a barbarian journal

December 1997
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march, april, may,june, july,august, september october november index

"Whose woods these are I think I know.
His house is in the village, though;
He will not see me stopping here
To watch his woods fill up with snow.

My little horse must think it queer
To stop without a farmhouse near
Between the woods and frozen lake
The darkest evening of the year.

He gives his harness bells a shake
To ask if there is some mistake.
The only other sounds the sweep
Of easy wind and downy flake.

The woods are lovely, dark and deep,
But I have promises to keep,
And miles to go before I sleep,
And miles to go before I sleep."

i prefer a blanket to wine
when i'm cold.
you can run out of wine
and it isn't as fuzzy

kind of boring today, there is that girl who continues to make me feel nice with little bits of electronic information

started playing with microsoft access with my brothers. i looked at it a long time ago, but it couldn't so some things that i had been doing in dbase (specifically linked lists) so i gave up on it. but i might be getting into sql stuff, and serious database kind of things.

saw "il postino". decided to write a poem.

This is Tark, again. Andy asked my brother to be a guest journalist, but the good doctor is a chicken! He thinks you have to admit to something illegal or at least immoral, in order to post to the net. I have never been to a titty-bar, so I've never seen anyone's soul. We keep trying to get an answer to, "why did you become a doctor", but I don't believe that, "It is the only legal way to stick your hand up people's asses" is entirely true. Like I said, I've never been to a titty-bar. Andy said he is putting my e-mail address on his page, so if you are a Doctor & want to tell me why you became one, feel free.

thanks mike. that was tark. the rest is me.

a person is a collection of goals.

there was a point where i could see i might be falling in love, and i asked if i should, but she didn't speak up then. that's what bugs me. i can deal with it now, but she could have easily spared me. it's the easy things that people fail to do that make me think people are evil. i try not to hold it against them, but there it is

it was snowing here in mempho yesterday but it didn't stick, and i didn't get any pictures, boo

When writing i like to say things with multiple meaning, and i aspire to have all the possible interpretations be true. It's a little like letting people think up their own jokes, i guess. But i suppose it's more a mater of just rejecting things that have bogus interpretations.

i caught a lucky break today. the girl i'm in love with came clean and told me who she was in love with, and his URL. been there, not very interesting. so i think im free. we'll see, but i suppose i'll still try to be nice. The loss of hope is fairly balanced to the increase in definiteness. Order mitigates evil.

i went to see my ueberboss for lunch. really nice guy. He was always hands off the computers when i programmed for him, but now he's wired on the internet. That's promising that new markets are open.

I also went to see Bruce, he just got back from mexico. We saw an hbo movie "breast men". Some plastic surgeons and silicone implants. Lots of breast shots. real fetish movie. a fetish that i don't share. i think big breasts are silly.

i don't get why people study philosophy in college and grad school. i guess it works for some people. and we do have sort of an excess of prosperity.

i didn't really get all the pictures i wanted at the farm. It snowed at night, but by the time i got up (11), it was pretty much gone :( and i didn't bring extra disks when i went out for cow pictures, so i only got maybe a dozen pictures. to constantly improve is the main goal. pity about the snow.

because it may have just seemed boring because i'm in love, i'll describe what it was like. when i got there it was still slow. the dancer on the main stage didn't even bother taking her bikini bottom off. i sat around at the stage for a while and had a brew. one shark of a dancer asked me if i wanted a dance and i said sure. This one seemed like a real hustler, and was all about how i looked younger than i said i was and had a nice smile. But when i didn't just grab her she told me "you can touch". when that didn't get me moving, she actually insisted that i at least put my hands on her ass. Ok, fine, maybe she wouldn't have to wear herself out if i actually have to do work. And lap dances really are about the personal contact. At the end of the first song she asked me if i wanted another dance. Oops! i knew this one. she hadn't offered a 2-for-1 even though dude had mentioned it. but i have decided that two is my minimum, so i went for it. It was only somewhat bothersome getting taken like that, it's only money and she was sort of trying, in a mercenary sort of way. I got another dance from this sweet little thing from arkansas. An actual 241, she seemed to have a little more fun. The place got a little busier and they moved to all three stages (main + two 5'cages) and they all got naked. At one cage there was this one girl who was playing with her labia, and for a little while with her hands off, she was agape, ajar. you could peer down into her soul. But i just wasn't into it.

How exactly is adultery a sin? at a simple level, it's just against the conventional rules. But the rules themselves exist for deeper reasons that people don't think about. Maybe there's talk about marriage being "god's way", but it's a little subtler than that, because monogamy really works for a lot of people, maybe because there really are some long lasting emotional bonds or some real mental attachments that are genetically encouraged. I have written how for some people it seems like this attachment ability is busted.

there is an idea of adultery-in-the-heart, which i consider invalid if you dissociate sex from making babies, but otherwise makes sense.

But there are some fundamental reasons why such a lasting bond should exist. The genetic goal isn't merely to make babies, but to make babies that can make more babies, so it makes actual genetic sense for parents to stay together long enough to have grandkids. (This might also affect lifespan questions). For many animals without cultural transmission, it wouldn't be as useful to have grandparents around, but for people, there is real benefit.

other than an emotional bond (or maybe an aspect of it) is a kind of possessiveness. women were for a while actually considered property, and the concepts of marriage and adultery as sin could be seen as a kind of property rights.

but probably the basic problem of adultery, children by different parents, is the source for the genetic push and therefore much of the emotional involvement. Since this factor is now controllable by birth control, the real bases for treating it as morally and legally (as in divorce cases) wrong should be re-examined. The emotional issues should also be considered, since they have cultural implications. Children need dependable parents, but sexual activity has little relevance to it. That is, marriage is about the children, not the sex.

i got pictures of cows. now i need space on the server.

the undressed women got all the rest of my money. very boring.

so i know why folks in america think "fast lane" instead of "passing lane". The signs say "slower traffic keep right" instead of "when not passing, keep right"

they rented the english patient. argh

and michael. i liked that one. i like angels. i think i know some.

terrible day, couldn't get the fax to work on daddio's computer. for i while it would go through the dialog box and swallow it without indication. once it did send one out. and finally it wouldn't even bring up the dialog box.

im sitting here at our farm. i need to take pictures of cows and stuff.

spent all day trying to install a new hard disk on my dad's computer. several rough breaks. One was that the drive letters weren't what they should be. two drives were the primary master and primary slave, and in the basic system they got letters c an d. The new disk i put as the secondary master and should have gotten letter e. In fact the fdisk program called it drive e, and it had another partition since it was more than 2G. Windows95 though moved the old d drive out and put this new disk in d. Unfortunately all the windows paths were hard coded to d, so i couldn't get windows to work with all disks simultaneously. Another weird thing i got was "no rom basic" when i hard the new disk by itself but didn't set the main partition active with fdisk. that was a weird one. Overall i was much too slow. and i still have to get another one working tomorrow.

And it snowed tonight! maybe i'll have a picture.

i have a bunch of ideas and things, and there are all sorts of implications for them if i just spend the time to throw. Then again, just thinking about stuff doesn't get anywhere.

christmas, hmm, not much happening.

too much materialism today. things. blech.

intelligence isn't too simple. even animals have bits of intelligence, people have tried to render it into mechanical action, but you just can't get rid of the need for goals, which means some ability to imagine things, especially abstract things.

I opened up this ps/2. most of the dates on stuff indicate that it was put together in 1989. It has an 8086 processor and the date on it is 1978. now that's pretty old.

I haven't been talking about any of th movies on video that we've been watching. Most have been forgetable. Sling blade--who cares? But i saw "best friends wedding"--what an evil shrew! with scary teeth, too. I took it as an opportunity to consider "just being friends". i thought it was impossible and i wish it weren't. I would like to try, though. I'd hate for it to be clearly stuck at "just" though. maybe "for now".

hooked on at 46k out of 56k.

Merry Christmas!

so i've already got my presents. and one of them is a digital camera. another is a faster modem (56k) so my capability took a big step up. but it means that i may need a new ISP, because i'm running out of space. (only 1 meg). I also got a ps/2 mouse, so i am using a real mouse with my laptop. it's much better than the touchpad or mouse nub. I got sweatshirts and T-shirts. I got quake. and a move on cd-rom--clones of bruce lee. tons of floppies. the digital camera records on floppies too. Did not get a cd-rom book collection or IR port or bootable linux, but i wasn't trying to fill out the list.

I got my dad a color printer (epson stylus 400) 720x720 so we could be making photographs, but i didn't get a printer cable, so we're out of luck.

I'm a little bummed about the digital camera. I think my dad had gotten it for edgar originally but i put it on my list, so he gave it to me. And Edgar had to put together the peddle car mom got for daniel. He didn't seem to be having such a happy day. Nathan seemed to like the hp95 palmtop i gave him. he was typing on it. I think the little kids did pretty well, and they have a bunch more presents still.

I wonder if they let cameras in hooters and other places. I really need more web space. And more time.

Girls learn what men should be like from their dads. I'm thinking that may make them prefer guys that aren't to easy with them, that kind of ignore them mostly.

spent $170 at walmart, and now i have bought something for everyone. i like walmart, i usually round out my shopping there. they have nifty new stuff, which is good for some hard to shop for folks. but the stuff is a little cold. now i'm in the fun phase. no pressure and i can buy more special stuff. I still need to find some nice medium-sized plastic cars for crashing. I have $200 dollars left, and there's no sense in trying to save any because im sure underdressed women will get the rest.

I just get this feeling that life has gotten really good and easy, and if people are complaining, then something is wrong with them. I also see that something is in fact wrong with most people. perhaps something can be done.

I have this weird thing with the mouselike touchpad on this laptop (perhaps some real laptops with all this extra money). it is sensitive to static, and occasionally a keypress will trigger a mouse click. if the cursor is in the text area, the text will suddenly start inserting there. if the cursor is outside the frame, the new text will just be lost. I am using and editor (pfe) that puts the text in sub-windows, and there's an unused area outside this subwindow, and if the mouse cursor is sitting in that unused area, the random mouse clicks have no effect. problem solved.

I hope she knows that while im seriously in love with her, i still don't really know her, and we really should get better acquainted. if she feels like it. she seems like she does. maybe i really won't like her, though i'm pretty sure i do. who knows what she thinks (women are funny that way)

some of those institutions really need to be re-examined. it's likely that there are great psychological value to some things which people aren't aware of when they attack them. it is only after you really understand something's value that you can decide if it's appropriate or find some better solution.

i wish i was more like you.

cruzio is accepting my ftp's again. that was rough for me.

ok, so i fall in love too easily. i like it. it doesn't cost much. i think it's pretty safe. i make it a point to cause as little disturbance as i can manage. and i learn a lot about myself (which isn't the same as knowing a lot about myself)

so i have the backup to the plastic. i've extracted cash from my real money accounts, and have a convenient teller where i can extract cash. I don't really like having to use cash (my mom even uses plastic now, but she used to use cash because as a waitress she mostly got paid in cash). My wallet is really a money clip only slightly larger than plastic-- i like it because its small-- but it isn't made for big wads, and i lost the clip in the middle, so i keep bills in one of the side pockets.

I need to round out the christmas shopping tomorrow. Normally i put a lot of effort into selecting gifts. You have to get to know the person and understand what they really need. Sometimes they don't even know. And it has to be balanced by what's available, which takes a lot of shopping. I gave my boss a leatherman tool, which has pliers and screwdrivers--the real thing, not one of the knock-offs. The nephews i want to give some plastic cars, 6", for using in demolition derby car crashes. they must not have sufficient outlet for their natural aggressive tendencies. It looks like julie and mom are gonna get kitchen equipment *sigh*. This year i'm just not as interested in trying to understand these people. For freddie there's boating stuff, which i have little hope to find, maybe toolsets (maybe another leatherman) and adjustable tools, and i'll look for parts for his milling machine, like boring rods. Eddie is always tough, because he already has stuff, and doesn't make many suggestions. Some of us seem to be taking the high-dollar route, so i might end up with something really expensive, like a digital camera, or maybe a TV. you can never have enough tv's. Maybe there's something really nifty and new.

i had a terrible time trying to find a picture postcard. i tried some drugstores, but nothing. There was a store in the mall of mempho just for memphis memorabilia, where i found some.

I need to go down to beale street. there's a hard rock cafe and an elvis place.

I don't mean for them to be upset. i'm just being melodramatic. if i really cared, i probably would have asked them out more.

I took a step towards freedom. i refused to go to see this silly christmas lights, even though they really tried to push me. Lately people have been getting me to do things that i don't care for. They don't know what i like, so they make a reasonable mistake. But i don't stop them. Then sometimes they don't believe me when i say i don't want to. That's just disrespect.

i am offline. cruzio has decide not to work so i can't upload. and i can't check my email.

went to hooters. i think im different now, and i don't like to see women degrade themselves. i just just hope their getting a lot of money. and they do look pretty nice.

didn't bring enough plastic. yikes

i get into trouble when i don't communicate. i can drift away into fantasy-land. I can easily snap back if i ever get the real info, but i guess sometimes i avoid it.

i am way to used to falling in love and then not making anything of it.

it's tough being in love sometimes.

I spent time with the nephews today. like 9 and 4. What i don't like about kids is that they take up a lot of my time with stuff that i wouldn't choose to be doing. Something to endure. And these kids don't seem to have sufficient outlet for their aggressive tendencies. One thing they really liked to do was to smash cars together. i guess that's all the tv violence coming out, or maybe it's just natural aggression. car crashes are pretty fun, too.

i made a christmas list:
ps/2 mouse
printed t-shirts
external modem
book collection on cdrom
blank 3.5" floppies
IR port for a desktop
cheap digital camera
video on cdrom or nifty demo
linux bootable from cdrom
game: quake

im having to make a sacrifice here, its like 11:30, and i could have gone to hooters instead of writing this, but now it's going to close before i can get there. :(

i shouldn't fall in love with people i don't really know, but i guess maybe i've gotten so lazy that i need to get prodded a little before i'll move.

people have been driving me around, keeping me in places i don't want to be. i really need to get away and do my own stuff, at least in my time. and these people really seriously don't seem to understand me.

At the christmas party at work, we went to a fancy place with really good food, but not really a huge selection. The boss knew the owner and he asked what we wanted, because he could do special stuff. I wanted chicken. I like to eat chicken every day, but simple, nothing fancy, just cooked. i cook pieces in the microwave. This was more of a steakhouse though, and they had specially picked lamb. maggie said she wouldn't eat lamb, but he gave her some, actually they had a sampler of some fish, some lamb and some ribs. I grabbed her lamb, but dude insisted she try it, and i had to cut off a piece from the hunk i had half eaten. It was extra special and she actually liked it. I however, got chicken cordon blow, which is like rolled with ham and cheese. I suppose someone might like it, but it's not what i would like. I like the simplicity of a steak (raw but not cold) and i liked the lamb. something recognizably animal. nothing fancy schmancy. no sauce. i guess i was in the wrong place to ask for chicken. I should have asked for ketchup.

i know what i need to do. i need to get another guest journal entry

you don't help anyone by just pretending to accept someone's mistaken ideas, but you also are hurting youself if you just tune someone out and don't see the value in what they are saying. so you ought to speak out and say you agree with the things you agree with, but you don't buy the bogus stuff.

you don't need to believe anything. just do what works

i've been in transit, and now i'm in memphis.

Gia really she said messed me up before i left though. I asked her what she thought and she said she wasn't saying much to me because she didn't want me to do to her what i did to wynne. i didn't think i had done anything to wynne, and i don't really know what she meant. Maybe i've gotten the sisterhood to blacklist me. Or maybe she just doesn't want me to talk about her like that. So i'll stop.

I did hug maggie once before i left, and it was as i had feared: she sticks out too much to hug well.

So i got a big aluminum case for my laptop as a christmas present, and it wouldn't sit it the seat in front of mine (aisle seat) on the plane, so i stuck it in front of the middle one. But of course the asshole execute beside me needed the space, and instead of sticking it in the overhead, i just stuck it under his, where i couldn't get to it. so four hour flight and nothing to read or do. But dude was so satanically corporate that i was much happier to blow off the time than saying a word to his shit face

i trying to think of a way to describe why i think people are so bad. One thing really gets it for me. People will say thing like that nazi executioner or mass morderer was just like you and me. That gets it. If you look at how bad people can be, and how good people can be, in general, everybody is sit right at the bad end. Doing what is expected, taking little bits they can grab. Not trying to help people, not trying to make lives better. Rooting in the mud.

But how then can we just a persons contribution or quality. One thing i notice is that at best typically most people are striving to have the best minute they can. Sometime they will try to have a good hour. Almost will they do anything to have a whole good day or week or year. I think the concept that you could try to do something such that your whole life will be better would be alien to most people. And that's just how people treat themselves. People do try to improve the lives of others, and it tends to be on the same sort of scale. They'll try to give the other person a better minute. A real thing to strive for is to do something that helps someone in such a way they their whole from then on is better. This does happen. There are a few people like that, but so rare as to be negligible.

the thing is, life isn't torture for a lot of people. they seem well adapted to their lives of bottom-feeding or whatever. and some i suppose have convinced themselves that this is the aqway things should be, that they are in fact having a good time.

One neat thing in mexico, on the highway there are a bunch of signs that say the left lane is only for passing

we don't get everything we want. getting things (in a broader sense than merely accumulation of material) we want is what happiness is about. the way we understand what we want is through images of the desired outcome. Abstract images with various pieces left out. The whole system of maintaining and manipulating incomplete imagery is a major mental function. In the sense that computers manipulate complete blocks of data while essentially not dealing at all with unknowns is a serious limitation to their ability, although there are advantages to sticking to the the known--reliability, predictability, an odd sort of simplicity even in the midst of large amounts of information. But the information manipulation misses out on the greater world of the possible and unknown, sticking to the known. We don't get all we want, but we have what we have.

had to haul the car to a bmw dealership, but at least they had the part

went to the little island thingy, and drove along the beach

went to the san diego zoo. it was nice for a zoo. i suppose it's nice for most people who have accepted being trapped in their little lives, but for me it was kind of sad.

im feeling kind of trapped, and it's like i have to admit that im just different from people and we just don't like each other. i need to live by myself, i guess, too bad i can't afford it.

took a cab to the airport, rented a car. drove to mexico. i liked mexico. warm sincere. leaving though, pulled over by a mexican cop for not signaling, and i cut him off. It was atruck, i didn't see the light. he took fifty, or i could have followed him to the station. i would have paid it for the experience happily but fred paid it, and wasn't happy. drove to la to drop off a guy and now back in san diego.

im sitting in freddie's bmw in the marina at la. i should have brought a camera. they're getting the boat ready.

so im thinking, what am i going to do in la? i realize the problem is the whole place is devoted to groups of people. i have no problem with individuals, but i really don't like the depersonalization of being in a crowd.

walkey it shd along venice beach for a while. pretty empty. really long

saw la, the way it should be seen, from a highway at 70

went down to san diego, turned around in front of ucsd, went way down some street and got a map, went to macdonalds.

Drovees a repeated that i was going to used to communicate with my brother. just couldn't connect to it. did a lot of driving trying to find a spot that would hit it. (there are a bunch of repeaters run by hams that boost signals.) my brother fred is ihis boat from la to ensenadas mexico, and i was going to communicate in san diego.

i stopped by the hooters in downtown san diego. same as in mempho, not too interesting.

While wandering, in imperial beach, i ran over something, and put a hole in the oil pan. i drove a while with the oil light on and sweated into a shell station. oil leak. i was not ready for this i was really shocked. i called my mom collect 800callatt. what really helped was that there was a 24 hour mechanic place. they said they would come out and fix it in place. But since it was a bmw, they'd need to get the oil pan from the dealer on monday. arg. But at least things were moving along.

I found that the trouble in the repeater was a bad setting, and at 11 i talked with fred. the plan was to rent a car and pick them up at noon.

I get to sleep in the car

3.6 hours battery life

what bothers me is not that bad things happen, or that nothing good happens. what bothers me is that things could be a lot better with just a little bit of effort. sometimes it even takes less effort to things the right way, but basic human cussedness gets people to mess things up.

i'm headed south today to L.A. and then on to san diego and mexico. just a little weekend trip. Just give me some electricity and i'll be ready to go.

it seems like if you get married for selfish reasons, the situation is really likely to change and you will find some reason to quit. maybe it's better if you are held together by something outside yourself.

today i was subjected to country music. in a brief period when i was free from such distractions, i fixed a problem i had been working on for a week.

During comdex i was starting to get kind of sick, feverish and sometimes with my head back (like lying down) i would suddenly become dizzy for a few seconds. And staying up all night working on stupid code didn't help i'm sure. One morning i decided to take a really hot bath, I mean fever-inducing, raise your body temperature kind of bath, like i did once that really actually made me feel feverish. And it actually worked, i didn't feel sick anymore. Supposedly high temperature helps the immune system. Enzymes are temperature dependent, so it would make sense that a higher temperature would have some effect. Fevers are somehow related to this. And i guess there's a real health reason to drink hot stuff in the winter, other than just because it "feels good".

The power was off when i got here. It really messed up my whole evening. I think i started having TV-withdrawal symptons. And i didn't just fire up the laptop and do work. Too itchy. And the power has already gone out a couple times this week. I hope the winter doesn't stay like this, but it might. It happened like this one year because PG&E didn't spend the money to trim trees when it was dry.

there was this solid material on my car this morning, it seem to have some kind of moisture content to it.

i need to transfer some books onto the laptop. Or maybe i should just use the CD-ROM. sitting infront of a monitor reading is just too uncomfortable, But i find that i actually can curl up with the old laptop. Maybe I'll finally get to that Shakespeare...

it's true. the road to hell is paved with good intentions.

so i drained the battery completely, and it went 3.5 hours. and no the gauge goes up to 100%.

i'd like to keep my car alive long enough to eventually convert it to fuel cells.

i can be a little obsessive, or is it that i don't give up as easily as a lot of people?

somehing for god people to consider. terrible things happen. if you're going to believe god is good, then you have to believe he thinks that the ends justify the means. So you shouldn't feel bad if you feel that too. Unless you want to say that his rules for us will are different than the rules he plays by. In which case, we really aren't quite in his image, are we?

some people can be very mysterious

i like the idea of being a firestarter. the image i have is the guy from quest for fire who used a stick drill. I want to learn to do that. And it's kind of the prototype of the techno-geek. Well, at the mensa meeting on saturday, they wanted to make a fire, and i offered to help carry in wood. i took 3 good wedges and some kindling and was ready to go. i had a plan, from my experience in the wood burning stove, the best setup is a stack of three, making a little tunnel, and the top catches the hot smoke, which is really what burns. So i set this up and im ready to the elements (i've gotten this setup to light with just some paper and no kindling with extra dry wood such as this) and the hostess gives me a sterno log! Me there, foolishly thinking i was going to have a real battle and a chance to show off. Put in my place. You could start a fire in wet leaves with a sterno log. I fell silent after that. And it didn't even catch that well at first because i only lit the paper on the end, and she had to light the paper in the middle. I had to remember who i was then, boy.

people talk about "having" kids. i thought slavery was illegal.

what did bobby mean about that snowy evening? he said the last two lines did not mean death, but give me a freakin' break. There must be symbols with all that imagery. Who's woods? god's im guessing. "house"= church. This is one of those poems that can mean all kinds of things. Dude is lingering the way a poet would, but not the way "lesser" creatures would. This was from '23, so we had the symbol of snow as a baptism thing in jimmy j. But dude is getting really tired of it. hmm. Life is cold and dead. But he isn't giving up, though he is taking time to look at it.

i get to write this in an easy chair. it's much more fun than a desk.

i wonder what usb device there are. maybe a video input.

#phil:what kind of ehtics would you get if you assumed people were inherently bad? im thinking, the first thing you have to do is decide what is good if people are bad killing people would possibly be good, but not necessarily. it could be that all destruction is bad, and humans are bad because they are inherently destructive

i writing this from my nifty laptop, plugged into the modem normally on the 486. i need to get myself a nice external one that i can share between my two computers. i also need to get another inverter so i can plug it in in the car. If i get a cell modem link, i might move into my car, take out the back seat and there's lots of room to sleep. i've also been wanting to remove the passenger seat.

i feel like a fish out of water: flip-flip-flip

"you are nothing. you are less than zero."

i think catholicism is cruel.

the hard disk has shut down while running this editor, and chat. That's a good sign--it takes less power and is quieter, although i don't know how much power the serial stuff takes

i had a really nice dream. I dreamt i met this really warm, wonderful woman, and it was like she already knew me. And she really didn't have to stop--she just kept on going.

So, if you're in love, the main symptoms i think of are that you have trouble eating and sleeping. There's a cute twist to this that seems to be what was intended: sex will help calm you down. Sure, you could probably also drink a few brews. But if you actually do what nature intended, you get locked into a kind of mutually assisted drug dependence (did i mention that being in love was chemically related to using amphetamines?). So you're in love and you can't sleep, but you find that "making love" actually helps your situation, so it gets reinforced.

Ok, so maybe it's subtle, but im sure there are all kinds of reactions like that that go into forming a "couple", which is kind of a tightly connected unit. I'm of the opinion that if you ever actually become part of such a couple that you probably have destoyed some latching mechanism, and it's unlikely that you could really be solidly tied to anyone again. So i don't believe marriage in the real sense would not be possible after you were divorced.

I really don't care for competition. I don't know if it was a natural development, or if it was because wynne had totally beaten me, or if i just didn't want to compete if i had to compete with her because i loved her. Whatever it was, i just don't care for it. And it isn't that i am afraid to compete, i just don't see the point. I do admit that it has been something of a loss, and that i see myself getting duller and weaker over time. And that waste kind of bothers me, but in general it does, because i see other people building up the power to do things that to me seem unbelievably pointless.

a little moth just flew into my 5.25" floppy. bugs

fish don't get angry when you catch them, but please throw them back if you don't want them.

Doug really redid his page. it looks spiffy. seems like the content is about the same, but looks matter to a lot of people.

So what do you do when your ideal woman shows up, and she already knows everything about you? Well one idea is to look closely at her eyes to see if her pupils dilate, which is a sign that she's interested. They didn't. and i think she is already involved. But i really like her. I already told her to tell me when i should fall in love with her, because i could very easily. And i think i would like fifty years with her, or so.

There's a reason why i say i'm a barbarian. Other than it being an expansion of ba'b'ian (which i made up because of the real reason), it signifies that i don't know Greek. That's what the word actually meant in greek, people who sound like they're saying 'bar-bar-bar', that is not speaking the civilized tongue. For me, missing out on greek meant something an even worse loss than simply not being cultured. The class in greek was at the neighboring girl's school (probably why i didn't take it). In the class were actually two girls that i loved. grr. I would have been a much happier person if i could have spent that time with them. These days i'm thinking that the other girl, jennifer was much more my type, but she was too accessible to me, while wynne remained an intriguing mystery that i just couldn't get out of my head. So i lost twice. I pretty much never was with them together, and i think that would have solved all my problems. or at least force me to solve them. but i ended up a barbarian.

I figured out how to debug with msdev inside of a dll from java, i guess it wasn't tough, just a matter of setting up the debug executable to java.exe and the parameter to run the program. that had been a problem for me, because im used to the wonderful devugging possible in actual java code, but the jni stuff i didn't know how to do, and it seems like nasty stuff.

i think it's important that people share each other.

i love what you think. what do you think?

"Know thyself." People often take it as a call to introspection, or advice to seek further knowledge about yourself, to learn things about yourself that you didn't know. Really it was intended something more like 'know your place' and not to try to rise above what you are. Accept your limitations. That in itself is a much more valuable lesson.

I like to make other people as happy as possible, but some people seem to like doing things that make themselves unhappy in order to make other people happy. I hate that. I concede that there always things you must do that you won't like (although i like to think i can be happy doing anything), but that's a different thing from choosing to do something you don't want to in order to make someone else happy. Much better to find something you like that will also work. Maybe it's just a matter of not considering all the possibilities. I just don't buy that it is a good strategy, because if yyou make yourself less happy, you take away your own ability to make other people happy. It becomes self-limiting.

People really seem to be at all kinds of different levels of development. I find it a challenge to try to understand where people are and what they are ready to accept. I haven't been really lucky finding people who are really free, who can really escape from there narrow view of things, people who see really broad pictures of things. I'm not sure if i do; i certainly don't communicate the kind of expansive understandings that i somethings think i have. but i try. lately i have been losing a lot of thoughts to space, and i don't really get a chance to look at them.

hooray! so i got my nifty laptop computer. The first thing i did was to compare the screen size to my monitor, and sure enough, they are the same size. i guess there was no reason to spend the $600 for the bigger one. Of course, right now i'm typing on my brother's computer which has a 17" monitor, because it's at a desk and has the main internet connection, and just habit i guess. And it's kind of sad that although now i have two pentium 200MHz computers, im using a 486-66, but that's habit for you. The software isn't all loaded up on the laptop yet, and my desktop is in a room without a TV. And i've been really itchy today. I need to go play. And I just download Quake.last night and haven't loaded it.

Work is getting frustrating. There's this gorgeous woman that i'm locked up with all by myself all day (Boss out of town). And she's the sweetest kindest thing you could ever meet. Just about the complete opposite from me. And today we listened to some of my CDs all day. Beatles anthology 3 and that jimi tribute. I think my brain is melting down. And she has a boyfriend who she's really in love with. (Don't they always). I'm really physically attracted to her, and i suppose i just have to deal with it. Society should get to the point where it's not such a big deal to have a little thing.

I'm kind of disturbed that Fed-Ex delivered this computer without a signature, nothing happened, and i'm sure it was safe here because we are way off in the woods, but still.

Me here home alone

I really strive for total openness and honesty, i like to think i have nothing to hide. I'm finding sometimes though, that i want to hide secrets other people have, i don't really like that. One thing that's been bugging me. The office has a living space in it, and Maggie takes a shower every day. Well there was once, after she was done, i heard her come out, and i was going to go up to the bathroom, and i glanced and i saw her naked in profile getting dressed, and backed off, i hoped she didn't see me, and it was 15 ft away and less than a second, but she had that white unbroken line... Very innocent really, and not sexual, but beautiful. I have always thought clothes were bad, but i really don't want to embarass her. and if i could forget about it, i certainly would (i think). grr.

today wasn't so bad. this morning i tightenened my alternator belt. i had looked at it over the weekend and found one bolt loose, but i thought the bigger alternator had made it so i couldn't get at the tension adjuster mechanism. i guess i was confused. I also took some papers to the recycle place, and found out how to get there.

if you were to stack all the pennies in circulation in one big stack, it would be a pretty big stack.

i think i have less money than i did before i got this job.

a day like a big glop of mud that tries to take your shoe.

i just don't have a lot in common with people.

maybe i'll have luck thirty years from now.

People really suck. just about everyone gives me the feeling that the world would be a whole lot better without them. few exceptions. one notable one, of course.

I ordered a notebook computer, i had to pay a little more to get a slightly better model that was actually in stock. But im not going to pay 600 bucks for a screen that's 1.2 inches bigger. I'm running a 13" monitor on my desktop. often at 10x7. Im not all that visual, anyway, i hope to really get the voice stuff going.

my skeptical inquirer came. I really hate the way people believe in really lame stuff. Microscopic intelligent aliens with mind control ability can much more easily explain things. If you don't want to accept that people are just stupid --which i find reasonable, knowledge is tough, as an ai person should know.