a ba'b'ian journal

old stuff
I will arise and go now, and go to Innisfree,
And a small cabin build there, of clay and wattles made;
Nine bean rows will I have there, a hive for the honey bee,
And live alone in the bee-loud glade.

And I shall have some peace there, for peace comes dropping slow,
Dropping from the veils of the morning to where the cricket sings;
There midnight's all a glimmer, and noon a purple glow,
And evening full of the linnet's wings.

I will arise and go now, for always night and day
I hear lake water lapping with low sounds by the shore;
While I stand on the roadway, or on the pavements gray,
I hear it in the deep heart's core.
  • February 27, 2000
the three lords of materialism: form (like job, title, (parent)), speech (beliefs, values, things we believe), and mind (stuff to alter our state of mind, like drugs, exercise, esoteric religious practice). this was the topic of lou's talk at eastern sun today. they are things we use to prop up our ego. to resist change and maintain the masks that we identify ourselves with. to give us stability, but when we lose them, we really break down. we need to find a more flexible mask (though i would say we could eventually see that all these mask are an illusion and we can notice the formlessness underneath). on person pat asked what spituality is, and i said that i think of spirit as something that drives us, and it isn't all internal. also. there is an idea that spirit isn't simply a piece of us but something that we share between us and that binds us together, and we put up these masks to keep ourselves apart.

i sure had a lazy weekend. and i ate up all the food that i shouldn't eat on my diet, including the candy.

  • February 26, 2000
got more code done. got stuff running. needs finishing touches. found a weird problem in java drawing a line. it drew a jagged line instead of a straight one. i had to change the "stroke" object.

doug went to europe with some girl named courtney.

server went down again. it's been a while though.

gaining weight. up to 185. tark had been losing a lot. on some meat diet. something about avoiding starches with cause you to release insulin which makes you hungry. i'm sitting here eating m&m's. i eat a lot at work. nervous.

this aimee thing is distracting, too. i think i realized that my loneliness and need for affection was making me a little desperate and annoying and keeping me from being totally clear. maybe we aren't compatible. but i'm not sure and i think she might have judged me a little quick and not gotten to know me a little deeper.

went to platypus. actually i tried going by the gentleman's club but there was some kind of destruction going on, and a sign about applying for a beer permit, so i passed. went by tiffany's. two for one drinks. pretty empty. then visited temperance. dave and david and some new guy adam. anyway, then went to platypus. sabrina spotted me. "mighty mouse", kind of a muscley little thing. she was glad to see me. sat in my lap for maybe 15 minutes. lots of rubbing and kissing. and kind of a frenzied lap dance. by i think i lost my touch a little. affection is nice. i was feeling jealous that aimee could just get it whenever she felt like it, but i hear that all women can do that. (i still wonder about that). but then, men have titty bars.

more evidence that my feelings are just blood sugar related and not so much about what happens. felt bad (specifically about aimee). ate something. don't feel bad. ok. it was candy. but still.

  • February 23, 2000
finally wrote some code and it was a big block of it.

i'm just getting boring.

  • February 20, 2000
fixed up the mensa page again for next month.

my mom bought me some clothes. and they weren't quite the right size so she dragged me to the store to get some that fit. ick. and they are selling some ugly shirts these days.

more stuff from science: they use novacaine to slow down the neural activity in the gi tract to reduce the effect of diarrhea. (lots of kids die of it). they are working on plastic semiconductors. blubber in porpoise and whale tails may serve as springs to store swimming energy. night owls (vs. morning people) are smarter. they found a new nickel catalyst for polyethylene production that allows new type of plastics. in guinness, some of the bubbles move downward because of the thickness of the fluid. some bubbles move up, but a some moves down the side, dragging little ones down. Steven Jay Gould wrote an example of a vulva stone that illustrated an old view of the world. people used to think there were forms, and they could be expressed in animal or mineral form. these rocks are fossils from the inside of clams which happen to look like vulva. some doctor thought that wearing one from a chain would relieve some type of sexual ailment. based on some conception of the world related to sympathetic magic and all. people make different mistakes in thinking, in rational induction, bacon's idols of the theater, marketplace, cave (personal bias) and tribe (psychological bias). we don't have dichotomies of pure rational thinking or emotional values. communications can be improved with diffusive scattering. lots of work was done with stem cells and nanocomputers. ibm is making a petaflops computer. 1015 floating point operations per second. the record is like 2 x 1012. called "blue gene" it will be used to simulate protein folding atom by atom. and even on the super fast computer, it'll take a year. they're thinking about using irradiation for food around here (it's long been used in europe) it's really safe. they had a wildcat born to a domestic kitty. there's a cute little monkey clone named tetra. she's from splitting embryos, which is old technology, but such a clone could be used to study theories of nature vs nurture. using bayes theory in statistics depends on estimates of a priori probabilities, guesses and confidence, which aren't quite objective. it helps you utilize additional evidence. kitties got cochlear implants. blue lasers with semiconducters. hitler had bad teeth. a phosphene is a color pattern from when a closed eye is pressed. birds learn quickly not to eat bad grub. women smelling estratetraene feel happier with more energy while men feel less happy. using interferometry we could take pictures of distant worlds--the technique can be like having a huge lens. the first hand plant was on "kiwi" clint hallam(sp?). moderate alcohol is ok. there was evidence of a feathered velociraptor. carbon nanotubes are noisy conductors. in utero gene therapy. hydrogen can be stored at room temperature in nanotubes. people send razor blade letters to primate researchers. physics meets hideous bog beast (a story about how video/computer game writers are using physics engines to make more realistic games). a quiet synapse will die--they need low levels of activity to stay alive. brqin neurons can divide (rarely though), contrary to popular myth. they're working on a multipen nanoplotter. leptin was not an impressive weight loss drug. bioengineers use animals to produce proteins in their milk, but they could also get them to produce it in their semen, making it easier in some stage of processing. biological handedness may come from nuclear properties. some folks want to get rid of the copyright. IQ is stigmatized as something to be research. someone had a form of magnetic storage based on spins.


  • February 18, 2000
my dad broke his front tooth. ouch.

been working at fedex for 3 days. seems to be doing ok

i'm not sure what just happened with Aimee. i tried calling her to say bye. she's leaving tomorrow for cali. but from the machine picking up on the first ring, i knew she was online. so i caught up with her in aol. and we were chatting a little, and i asked her what she was gonna be doing. and she said packing, and i said it was pretty last minute, and she said it was because she was waiting to do laundry, and i say "ah, ic" and she comes back with "Yeah. Ic. Whatever." and i didn't follow the reaction at all. i mean, i thought i was pretty cheerful. so i asked "hmm?" and she comes back with "I was commenting on your comment." i did reply with "i see" but i really don't see. i made her mad somehow, and i don't like that. the most useful thing for me is to try to remain positive. i suppose saying it was last minute was being negative. it is a bad habit, but i'm trying to be better. i think also, the feeling isn't coming through in this plain text. she seems to take me more negatively than i intend. and it seems way often that she doesn't understand me. and lots of times she thinks i don't understand her when i do. it's this kind of thing that makes me think that she is the one that's wrong when she says we wouldn't be good together. but truly, i have to be more accepting. actually, now that i think about it. i said lots of negative things about her, though i didn't mean to be negative. i felt like i was playing. hmm.

i did find the other pages of notes. i'm too tired to write them out tonight.

  • February 15, 2000
i'm reaffirming my core principles of truth and freedom and compassion sitting here listening to Stone Free: a Tribute ..

tomorrow I'm starting to work at Fedex as a Programmer/Analyst for $4000/month. It'll probably take at least a couple of years to pay off what i owe. i have heard that there are lots of high paying jobs, but i didn't negotiate, just taking their offer. mostly java on solaris, but some windows and c++ legacy stuff to port.

so i got up early at ~6, trying to get my sleep schedule settled in. now if i could only fall asleep early. man, tried at 10 o'clock, but i was sitting up worrying over aimee. i was really kind of hurt. it turns out i was telling her do something, she got really mad at me for telling her, and she went and did it anyway. well, maybe she wasn't understanding me, but was she making an effort? and to add to that just basic free form rejection. ("Hey Joe" on the box, done by Body Count) she really is just bad news, and you'd think i would have just given up. i think i will. i can treat her just like my other "friends" which is to just tolerate their existence but make an effort to be nice.

but an interesting logical point came up when we went out to dinner at Mikasa on Sunday. She said we were not "compatible". It seems like this is the kind of proposition P where it is necessary to believe P in order for it to be try. Not sufficient, sure, but necessary, so just because she thinks that, it's true, we aren't. But there doesn't really have to be a reason or justification behind it (though i imagine she has something that convinced her, and personally think she didn't look very hard and it's wrong), the simple decision to believe is enough to make it true. If truth isn't just basically a matter of deciding or making a decision, which is a different issue.

change is defined by the resistance to it

a mechanism for compassion to benefit. a way for compassion to dissipate anger. for one, if you're mad at someone and feel his feeling, if it isn't anger, then you don't feel angry. but also, you feel angry because you think they have done something wrong or wronged you in some way, but if you understand his view, he probably did not think it was wrong from his point of view, and you can in part see that it wasn't quite so wrong (well it didn't seem wrong to someone). This would be a problem if you are so stuck on yourself that you think you are always right and they are always wrong, but then you aren't really having compassion. And they say that humility is important in this paradigm.

so i got officially elected to the mensa excom. and i'm not even in their fucking army anymore.

man, i took a few tiny notebook pages of notes from Science but i lost one of the pages, boo: There is lots of quality control going on in cells, fixing DNA, RNA, and proteins that aren't right. They made some teeny tweezers from nanotubes, using voltages to open and close them. they grew an artificial cornea in the lab, though it's not ready for prime time--corneas are some things that animal rights people are upset about because cosmetics get tested by putting stuff on the eyes of bunnies and just having something else to test with could spare us a few fire bombs. early polynesians might be from SE asia. Gates and Turner are helping to knock out Polio from the world. Carbon nanotubes were used to make a good flat panel display, using them as field emitters, with quality up there with CRT. nanotubes can be made arcing between graphite in helium. somebody simulated a neutron star. HIV came from animals. They've got some blue semiconductor diodes or lasers (i forget) on semiconductor instead of sapphire (which is expensive) but only at 1/3 the output. somebody created the most powerful non-nuclear explosive--octanitrocubane-- which is mostly more powerful because it is denser.

i mean it was grim

  • February 9, 2000
been so long. stuff has happened.

the punching bag is back in the room. the tai chi class is over. been drinking tang. i'm hoping to be in a cardboard boat race.