a ba'b'ian journal

old stuff
Some say the world will end in fire,
Some say in ice.
From what I've tasted of desire.
I hold with those who favor fire.
But if it had to perish twice,
I think I know enough of hate
To say that for destruction ice
Is also great
And would suffice.
  • July 30, 2000
what you mean is what you know. do you know what you really mean? sometimes to be charitable, we say a person really means something even if they do not intend to say that.

we have only systems of interpretation that we use. we have also have the phenomena that we encounter, but we can only know them through our interpretations. it is a common system of interpretation that there really is no self. self is just another interpretation. yet another interpretation is that these things are somehow real in themselves (this isn't an especially serious philosophy, i think it it is somehow discredited, but i'm not enough of a student of philosophology to know.

  • July 28, 2000
the world is curling up at the edges

i just ate some wienerschnitzel, and perhaps i shall go get some cake.

i didn't score enough on the mcat to get into medical school, and i have a coping mechanism that makes me subtley sarcastic

i did go get some cake. an uninspired black forest from cafe expresso. i missed the lingoes. and some cream soda. they didn't have root beer. i don't much like cream soda. it was the writing portion of the mcat that wasn't good enough.

a weird sounding phone message from the editor of _synapse_, the mensa philosophic journal. the project at work crashed in the backend, either robert or john and neither appears to have an error.

i thought robert had said defense mechanism instead of coping mechanism. i asked him if he was a freudian and he said no, there was no i, only thoughts

  • July 16, 2000
somebody in one of the atheist magazines made the case that some of the religious feeling comes from our need to put ourselves into a social heirarchy. we naturally look for someone above us. he's just the big boss.

happiness involves ignoring bad things. i suppose that's why it seems like smart people, who don't ignore things, are not so happy, and ignorance is bliss.

  • July 15, 2000
i saw the x-men and the patriot. i liked the x-men. i thought it was neat to have a character like professor xavier who is incredibly powerful and yet ultimately good. i suppose it makes sense that if you can read everyone's mind that you would be very sympathetic and compassionate, and thus good. it was a fantasy though, so it was only light entertainment, nothing really stirring. not great, but good. and i'm starting to think that i don't really care for team victories, since i never really was on a team. and the patriot was the same way. i just didn't really care. maybe i should go see scary movie to see if that type of entertainment might appeal, but frankly i never cared for the wayans brand of humor.

so i think i pretty much finished the problem logs i have to do. there were a few that had been assigned to me before that got handed off because we weren't sure that i couldn't finish them all, but actually, i might be able to get all of them. the other guy has other stuff to do.

  • July 11, 2000
we don't touch much in america. around the least physical contact in the world. but i think we make up for it by working harder. that whole puritan thing. and it works well for us economically. we just aren't into feeling good all the time as some other places are, and we try to make up for it by getting lots of stuff.

i've figured out what i really like in movies: personal triumph. not so much victory over others as the internal victory. apocalypse now, joe's apartment, natural born killers, fight club. i guess it's a common enough theme, but it isn't universal. am i try to enjoy it vicariously? i remember as a kid i would have triumphs, but for me it wasn't about looking the opponent in the eye. it was much more like ender.

  • July 9, 2000
I pick constantly. I question everything. i believe that i like criticism as concern and help to improve, of course, i probably just do it out of habit. i shouldn't criticize people (or is it disagree?) so much.

i'm starving for affection.

  • July 1, 2000
Sulfa drugs (sulfonamide) helped in human diseases, but they were much more important in reducing the cost of chickens (according to a letter in Science). Herbert Hoover's "a chicken in every pot" sounds silly today now that chickens are cheap, but back in those days chickens were a lot more expensive, and that promise meant something. The price paid to farmers back then was $2.50 per pound live weight, compared to around $.40/lb today. When they had sulfa drugs, chicken farmers could then raise chickens in big houses close together without the disease problems. chicken factories. but they still don't want to be pies. By making cheap protein food available (as chicken), sulfa drugs have done a lot more for humanity than directly curing diseases.

I noticed that there was fresh oil on the ground under the car engine. my mom had seen it before, and i hadn't done anything. but because the car starting running rougher and dying, i took it to the dealer that's next to where i work for service. They found three oil leaks-- in the fuel pump, in the oil pan, and in the valve cover. I'm going to get them to fix that, though the labor cost is just crazy. I asked them for a quote on the A/C and they said it was horrible and needed to be totally replaced, including the tubing in the dash. like $1200. give me a break. and it's not going to be done till monday. anyway, i left it there and walked the 12 miles home. it was pretty grueling. I'm not sure how I'm going to get to work on monday. I think I'll ride my bike in, but the road isn't too good, and I'll need to do it early in the morning.

Work is really getting busy. I've been staying late a lot. I have not quite built up the speed in fixing the gui problem logs they have been giving me. It seems like most of the problems are not simply in the client, in which case a few lines do the job and it's over. The problems i've been on have needed changed in the middleware and back end-- usually trivial changes, but the procedure for changing stuff on the server and propagating it and restarting everything has been tedious and painful. and there has been a common failure with some third party stuff just losing it's connection that makes us have to completely shut everything down in an even worse process. our time is getting close, and we better get that one fixed.

i walked a block to the corner filling station/convience store to get a gallon of milk. I decided to just go out grungy and unwashed like the long pig I am. But there were like three bodacious little cuties. two together and one on her own. they are out there. yum.

I found an interesting site about religious movements. And found a couple of atheist sites. I actually signed up to the American Atheists. This group actually has a tennessee chapter. the person in charge of that chapter actually wrote me back a few times, and gave me the names of some folk in mempho. plus there's a guestbook that lists a few folk in mempho.

I need to put a guestbook on the memphis mensa page. I was really hoping to do that with some local script or something instead of using one of those off-site free ones, but i guess i need to at least get something on there. I've really been putting off working on this page this month. the apathy of the excom is getting to me. i was thinking about writing an e-mail message to the group complaing about how aimie isn't meeting expectations.