a barbarian journal |
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march, april, may, index |
man, the car is a mess. We were just trying to remove the oxygen sensor, which seems to be totally rusted on. We tried taking the turbo
or exhaust piece off that it was attached to and broke off two bolts before giving up on that approach. Now we're gonna just cut the sensor off.
We will have to re-tap the threads for the new sensor, anyway. I'm looking at just getting another used car for short term. Like maybe a mid 80s
japanese, nissan perhaps, fro aroun $2k. Something that isn't breaking down a lot. I don't know anything about getting a used car, though.
getting insurance and plates and all that will be a hassle, too. I bet i will need to get a darn CA drivers license. argh. I probably could have taken the thing to a real mechanic who might have been better able to deal with it. A loss of a car is a loss of freedom, a really personal loss. So why am i such a loser? I think i actually got tired of trying to beat people, to become a success as it were, especially when basically it didn't get me anyway, when it was all the selfish taking and raking that actually got stuff, not actually any real pursuit of quality. And, really, there is a deep part of your soul pushing you to strive for success, which i just stopped listening to because it was in fact an illusion, just a trait selected by countless generations of female pressure. For me it is a matter of freedom from this pressure, and everyone eventually gives it up anyway in the natural course. Not to be a slave under the endless cracking whip. There is this need to communicate, not just a matter of loneliness, although it might be an aspect of lenliness, which is really a much more complex thing. What makes a writer write? perhaps just that little bit of brain that thinks of the words has a hand on the holy spigot which release the joy juice into the waters. Probably too, the part of the mind which tries to understand others also measures out coffeespoons of pleasure. It's probably quite a complicated system. We have large amounts of brain power for undestanding and communicating, and certain something must push us to make the effort to learn how to reach and to really reach out. Althouh it seems that a lot of people are really isolated, i don't know how they manage such a loss. so a sensory events gets recognized as patterns, the patterns are looked at in combination to make bigger patterns, certain state information is maintained to keep track of the kinds of things that are happening, certain things that are happening are recognized as more important and the have a greater effect on what kind of thing we think is happening. When we decide that a particular kind of thing is happening, it activates long term memories, which fill in the blanks about what all should happen and what we should do. We have an active conciousness that maintains a little collection of situations or objects that are active at once, which we are thinking about, such that we can make comparisons and try to combine them invarious ways to try out possiblities. We have an important bility to make plans and thing about things that haven't happened yet, and really our goals are piece of situations that we recognize would make us happier and we try to find paths to get to those situations. And we have a pleasure system regulating what we like so we can learn to make associated events our goals. The whole lowlevel system of learning involves increasing the likelihood of certain reactions happening when certain patterns of event more work on javademos occur. did a little more work on javademo, that push me button (i need to make it say "touch me"). controls:button option should pull up another window though it doesn't seem to yet. hmm. gotta be short today. busy
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spiritual means something like pertaining to drives not rationally derived or learned. There are some feelings that really
seem to come from nowhere, no matter how hard we try to undestand them. Deep as in you can't see where they came from I have a pretty good understanding of myself, and i spend a lot of time introspecting and trying to figure out why i feel various things, but some things are really quite powerful and defy any kind of analysis. The unbroken curve for instance, and i have spent some time on that one. Feeling sympathy for other people seems pretty deep, and not a learned thing. Something about women in distress though really gets me, maybe something about not having as much concern over guys. The feeling of wanting to crush my enemies, i don't think you have to learn that. One thing that serves to relieve guilt is to feel that you are part of some story. There were myths about killing animals that helped primitive people not to feel bad when they used obviously painful methods. I'm not sure what the phsychodynamic is, but identifying with some role seems to really help. It seems like recently when i felt bad about something that i just remember that it was something like a tradtional role i was just filling out. All i want to do is have some fun!, the weird al version of course. [cap re: objects, identical] Those really are the fundamental questions of intelligence. Luckily they are posed at a low enough level to see that they are really implementation questions. You can have different implementations that correspond to objects and identicality and you will have systems with different abilities. It isn't really a scientific question of definition at all but an engineering question, and an exploration of the space of possible designs. Although of course you can include the purely scientific question of what a human brain does for such things. Fundamental disagreements over how these things should be implemented in an AI system have been some cause for disagreements around here. more car trouble, ick. but the computer diagnoses it as oxygen sensor latched low. probably just a bad connection. I'm in trouble if all my wires start going out. i had a bad fingerprint on the cover glass of my camera, and i realized that i was into conventional posing instead of really trying to show me, plus im not much to look at. So i pulled the old shots and stuck in one that depicts the real me. And im about ready for a second attempt. And i need a haircut The indians that the americans moving west weren't from the great cultures that existed before the white man's arrival. There used to be great cities, but diseases from europe cut the populations to like 10%, and they reverted to a primitive hunter/gatherer. All we had left of the natives was a survivalist fringe culture. But really, right now, the only important thing is to find a job. This car thing is going to be a problem. According to western culture, nature is evil, not just nature is one of many evil things, but nature is everything that is evil. The snake is a symbol of life, a big digestive tract, bound to the earth. The eagle is the soaring freedoom and escape from the earth. the drgaon is a mixture of the two. this is all joe stuff. It's like waking up and the world is a nightmare.. It seems like doctors must have to deal with some horrific guilt, especially student doctors, because they must sometimes make mistakes or fail to help people in various ways. I'm not sure how they deal with it, but i guess they mostly just blot it out and forget about it, or take the overman approach and just deny that there is anything wrong with them. This sounds like a major recipe for some serious soul crunching. In this context, i tmakes sense to seriously overwork them, because exhausting someone is a well-recognized brainwashing technique. They don't have time to feel bad about anything and their personal feelings get drained away as they are converted into doctor-automata. Presumably they must have some remnant emotional reactions leftover from before they started their conversion process. But it does seem to me that the establishment has been refining the traditional cult indoctrination techniques. I like it. I have been holding onto a story about the progression of stages of life as a kind of story about the different types of people, based on a a set of hierarchical wants of man. A person wants pleasure, success, love and wisdom. Something i have just added is the idea that these may in fact be related to genetic predisposition for different activities during life. As a child you just want to play, and you have little appreciation of others, but then you become aware of others and start wanting to compete. This tendency for competition and achievement has been developed because it one of the preference that women use to choose mates. Thus somehow it is genetic, although how exactly such a complex thing could be implemented is tricky, maybe something as simple as women liking to get gifts. But after a while the natural course is to have children, and eventually it will be a disadvantage to continue competing because you would be competing with your children and really they wouldn't have any chance. So it is likely that this drive for success would get tapered off for genetic reasons, as suddenly men feel it much more enjoyable to take care of the the kids and teach them things. Eventually it is possible that the kids will fly away and we develop a prefence to seek wisdom, for our own benefit in addition to the benefit for society. These may simply be natural developments, but it seems likely that there might be some type of genetic push guiding the various drives that affects these directions. And possibly certain people get stuck in various modes and never get their fill, as it were, or possibly miss the triggers from one phase to the next. Men wanting fidelity or faithfulness in a woman, is another thing that probably must have genetic basis, although it seems too complex to easily encode. I know for some reason it has always struck me very deeply when i see women who can't stay faithful. There was this one who i was pretty close to, but when i found she already had a committed relationship, i reacted in an intensely mean way. There's this other girl who i am sort of friends with, but she has an evil habit of breaking hearts, and it really bothers me. I don't think its something i learned, either, because the reaction is just too deep.
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quantity is something we understand because of genetic influence. In addition we learn some arithmetical facts. There was a woman at the gas station, a pleasant pregnant redhead with a little maybe 8-year old blonde daughter. And there was some trouble with here card or something and she couldn't pay. My first thought was to help her out, because the same thing has happened to me and a guy helped me out. But i didn't, i just let it go. She could still do something about it. And i'm pretty poor and really probably shouldn't have. But i have to remember this as a failure, because i have been thinking how we are all family, And it was just money. but i still feel bad about it.
i see the world all in an instant The world is the whole world, you know, and that means big. bigger than everything. maybe as big as everything put together. And it's real old too. One day the world got to thinking, maybe there could be other worlds that it could talk to. And it was far away from the other worlds and couldn't talk to them, and didn't have a telephone, so the world thought "maybe i could have little worlds and i could talk to them and teach them about things" so the world got together some great swirls of stuff and mixed it altogether to make little worlds. And the little worlds ate up a bunch of things and were all growing bigger. And the little worlds commenced to speaking to each other, and the big world showed them about things and mostly the little worlds were happy with the things. And the big world was happy with the little worlds. i edited the filewindow and spiral3 programs so they show instructions on the status bar at the bottom There was a long post on QV about intelligence and attractiveness. The conclusion is that intelligence is only important if it makes you a better provider/caregiver and if it makes communication easier. Easier communication only makes it likely to be attracted to someone with roughly the same intelligence. The selection of intelligence probably only had to do with selecting people who were more capable, tool use, controlling people, skill at providing food. there was a 'hello' from a woman on the answering machine. I don't know who it was. It could have been a wrong number, or somebody from irc or someone from the net in general. Whoever it was, she made me wish i had answered. Are guys so easily manipulated? I got the pictures developed and a couple put onto my me link. But the pictures turned out terrible. This camera just isn't very good for this. It won't focus well under 6 feet away, but further away and the face is too small to scan well. Glasses and flash don't mix either. One fairly close picture had terrible redeye. I'm going to need better lighting, maybe outside, and to take pictures from shorter distances. I didn't use the zoom properly either. Maybe i should just borrow a better camera. I went down to the beach. I was thinking the rat race exists because women like guys that fight over things. much of the genetic bases for behavior had to come from sexual selction, it's like lady macbeth is the whole deal. The best that genes can do to control behavior is to affect little reactions, to make it feel good if a certain thing happens, and maybe a couple of pieces together, and let us fill in the blanks A big question is what a gene can actually do to affect these reactions. Well genes can affect which neurons are effected by which mood related chemical, and which chemicals and how strongly they are emitted by what area. Endorphines, the natural morphines, have some wide sources and effects. And genes can control which modules are connect to what, so that hearing information gets routed through a big pattern recognizing matrix. They can determine the sizes and numbers of neurons that get devoted to particular tasks, and roughly the natural pathways for certain signals. Genes can only set stuff up initially, and it takes learning to get the final patterns down. Humans have a kind of lucky setup though. The basic genetic brain growth continues in the first year, but it is done along with natural learning, so there is an extremely amplified kind of development as the learning modulates the genetic growth. We are like way smarter than animals. I'm a little concerned about the modular explanations for mind, that they might miss out on how important reuse of modules is. A desire to communicate with some one is a part of sociability in general, but it is also a fundamental part of love (the other two being a desire to be with and to help). A weird one from QV, the distance from the line through the eyes to the line across the mouth increase with level of estrogen, and more estrogen means a better baby maker. So there's something about the face structure that should make women more attractive, and there are weird tests (in babies even) that show that is does.
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man, yesterday taught me a lot about the evils of an irc habit. I didn't spend much time on my journal and then my brother came home and seemed a little upset with me typing away. He was the one that got the keyboard that makes clicking noises. Whatever. so maybe i'll irc less. I thought some more about those two movies conair and speed 2, and i don't know what it was, maybe they were pretty funny, but the people were like machines and not heroes. There was no mythic quality to them. Alien 4 is going to come out(ch). I guess i'm muc more interested in seeing a great allegory than any kind of surface story. joe mentions this. Movies are a ritual. you have to go to a "temple" to see them. But videos don't have that effect and they trivialize the experience. There's no wonder there aren't as many great myths on the screen these days. the place i called that was supposed to photocd's on site doesn't. 3 weeks they said. I guess i should get prints and get the scanner. And a deer has gotten into the garden and nibbled most of the top leaves off the tomato plants. And the pepper plant is just stems now. There are some tracks that could be deer tracks, but im not quite sure, but based on the height of the nibbling and that i have seen a deer in the past, im pretty sure. Another thing i found is that there are bunches of green beans growing in the grass next to the bed, from last year. And doing a whole lot better than anything i ever planted. At least now i can see how they are supposed to grow. I finally gave my .45 a name: Ender. Actually, ender is also a nickname for andrew although no one has ever called me that and im not sure how easily id get used to it. It's been andy (or i like the spelling andi for various reasons) for so long. I think andj is a lot more neat though and really, in some countries, a j is like a y. But ender is a great name for a gun. And why name a weapon at all? because sometimes it is like your only friend. Women spend a lot of time arranging makeup and such, but this practice developed when really women weren't expected to do a lot of serious work. It trivializes them and their time. But things have changed and in general women are expected to produce on equal terms, and yet these make-up rituals persist. There is just something about that unbroken curve, aesthetically, bikinis just don't cut it. And it isn't a matter of forbidden fruit or seeing something normally hidden. It's a matter of a pure, unbroken curve, a simple unity of color and surface. I think one of those long tube dresses looks better than a bikini, although i guess skin surface has a much richer texture. A one piece though, is also a jagged, broken form. Wet suits, hmm. peel 'em and eat 'em, as the sharks say. Here was a weird idea.. Musical ability developed because of sexual selection. If music got involved in a mating selection ritual then it would have built up pretty fast. Music or singing ability would to some extent demonstrate health and vigor and control, in addtion to that all important factor, self-confidence. There is supposed to be a kind of performance curve with age or something that implies some genetic influence to the abilities that also relates to peak mating years. In addition murder all follows a similar age-curve, which might suggest that fighting and killing (over competition for mates) has genetic predispositions developed in a similar sexual selection process. The article also goes into some basic dynamics in sex roles. A female can only have a few children so she will want the best man she can get. The male wants the best too, but he is also better served by mating with as many as possible. (There are also economic considerations, how many children he can afford and the goal can be to optimize the wealth and survivability of the grandkids, so sheer numbers isn't generally optimal) The outcome of this conflict is that males compete for the best females, and it is always the female's choice to decide who she will mate with. The poorer females benefit because males also try to have as many females on the side as possible. I kind of wonder abbout the dynamic of fast chicks. It's not really possible to isolate a sexual behavior to only one gender, it's only possible genetically to make it more likely to happen in males,say, while females still have the possibility. Genetics can at best establish a tendency and cultural and environmental factors are the major factors. And with birth-control, sexual behavior can be greatly decoupled from baby-making. The interesting question is what were the natures of those early sexual contests between males? What traits got emphasized? Also, it isn't even necessary that they are traits that women chose, they could just have been ways the males competed and the woman had to take the winner (although of course, it's more likely that the women also preferred them) Aggression and competitiveness are male things. The big muscles are the obvious one that everybody knows about. I assume cunning and intelligence had to be desirable. There must have been actual fighting over women (modern myths still include that). We are here throwing in making music as one of the challenges. Singing or music wooed women. One of my favorites is penis size, and that seems more to be a competition between guys than a women's natural choice, but something has to explain we people are so much bigger than apes in that area. Evolution in general is pushed not merely by an ability to survive, but also by the way the individuals choose mates that they think can survive well. And since women do most of the choosing, we can blame the problems with basic human nature on them. "I want you to leave me alone" i have this memory of her saying that. It was low, quiet with a deeper voice, very serious. Very quick, blurted out, perhaps, like it was somthing she didn't want to say, or to have to say, maybe a little frustrated that she had to say it. It was just two seconds, but i guess the silences before and after were important to the message, a way to focus my attention and to show that she was serious and trying to be very clear. This was what had to be said. Perhaps a little tiredness, but no inflection, just flat crisp, clear. I could sense a real anger, but i don't know that would be fair from how she said it, probably more just my interpretation. "I want you to leave me alone" I saw Speed 2 and Con air. they were both quite good, but i think i like a lot more humor in my action movies, and i wasn't all that interested in these people. but i don't mean i simply prefer joke comedies. i just don't think real people in bad situations are serious all the time. The real spirit of a warior is a joyous one, and i guess they really didn't seem like warriors, just average joe's that got caught up in bad situation and rose without to the occasion. I think that i just don't buy that. I was happy to see them, but i wouldn't want to see them again. i got a cheap camera ($60) with nifty features, like zoom and a self-timer. Pictures!
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so somebody wrote me an email to complain that my journal was messed up. I thought that was cool. now i'm wondering who actually reads this
stuff and how they find it. just as i was losing interest. I kind of like Marilyn. I mean, she writes her little column and has a high IQ, and i do this little thing i do and i aspire to be smart. So what is she up to this week. Well she talks about people becoming disappointed and cynical because of their expectations and how life doesn't meet those expectation. It seems pretty obvious, but i hadn't really considered it lately. I'm sure i did have some expectations that i should have been able to do better with my life and relationships, and i did get very cold and angry because people suck, and i thought they should be better. I'm not sure why i wouldn't have thought about it. Also, she gets a question about whether her high IQ makes her more attractive, but she avoids an answer, says she doesn't know, but explains why she doesn't take a poll to find out. That's an interesting question, though. I see some reasons why it might be so. Smarter is more fit, exotic is erotic, knowledge is a key to happiness, success is attractive. I have heard that intelligence can be an aphrodesiac, although that's not the same as a pheromone. The problem of course is that this culture doesn't much like smart people, and in general people don't like anyone who thinks too differently from them, and there probably would be trouble communicating to really smart people. I'm thinking of putting up picture of myself on one of my pages so certain people can see what i look like. I find that's something of a challenge because i don't want anyone else but me taking them (for artistic reasons), and i don't have a camera. There is also the problem of getting it into the computer, because my brother keeps his scanner at work. If i can find a cheap enough camera with a timer, i will probably buy it and get a photo-cd made (what do i need with hard picture of myself?). But i don't know about any of that stuff. And i need this within like a few days. If it works out, maybe i'll take a lot more pictures. I learned a little bit more about java that i probably should have known. It's possible to put private classes in the same .java file (although each class still has it's own .class file). In object-oriented program you are supposed to put every little function into its own object, but i haven't been doing it correctly, because i was thinking in doing that you had to have one object per file and put all the classes in subdirectories, but my account on cruzio (i think, maybe i should check again) since it isn't a full unix shell, doesn't let me have subdirectories and all my files are lumped together in a mess. No subdirectories, no groups of classes, therefore poorly objective programming for me. I've been working on my javademo program and it forced me to break off a major portion of it because of how java handles separate windows. My main program would never receive messages to close the separate window and so i couldn't get it off the screen. I had to create a whole new object for it to destroy itself. Anyway, i still hope to try out all kinds of windowing stuff, and it will end up a monster file i'm sure. I got the milling machine configuration set up on my little machine tool. I'm much happier with it now because there were some loose parts (which were making me thinking it was junky) and i found out that there actually are screws for tightening it. The guy really must be a serious machinist. And for me this is just for training and experience to see if i want to do the real deal. Also i'll have a much better idea of what parts are really needed to get real machining done. There is a project to cast all the parts you need to make your own machine tools, but with no experience at all, it was just out of the question. Now it makes more sense to me, since the machines aren't all that complicated.
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sentences are just fingers pointing there just aren't enough hours in the day when you finally do what to get something done. I'm reading about genius and eminence, and one intriguing article suggests that what's importance is not the person, but the work done, so i guess i'm in trouble. It is also suggested that all the really great people start early and publish often. I guess i'm out of that race. My burden is lifted. This stuff is really pretty humbling. But i don't see anybody else out there trying to design a mind. It seems like people think something like, well we don't understand something, so we're going to say there is a god and he did it. That would make sense to us to think that. Most thinking is intuition, that is, we don't understand how we figured it out. sometimes we interpret things so we can think our intuition is correct, even if its not really how things are, because intuition controls how we think. Even rational thinking depends on intuitions, but prehaps by reasoning from very reliable knowledge we can avoid some trouble. Teach by example. I'm reading power of myth, the transcripts from the tv series from jo campbell ( i probably should read some of his more organized writings instead of just interviews, though). Supposedly jo does that, never trying to persuade people but just showing them how wonderful real understanding can be. We are defined by the challenges we face. Not the successes we achieve. I have to thank all the people who won the cold war. And i'm glad they retired.
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I saw Batman & Robin. blech. although there were two cute chicks this time (actually three, elle mcpherson shows up), although not as good as catwoman. Uma is a real actress though and its painful to see her beside ahnold. Could be called Batman Family Values, a strike against. Clooney has no edge and is no twisted vigilante dark knight, just kind of a ho hum guy. Its diversionary if not really entertaining. But i wasn't really able to suspend judgement about the new laws of physics they invented, so i found that somewhat irritating. And it had such a comic book character and im not into comic books. And somehow all the campy humor doesn't work, not enough energy maybe, no permission to laugh, i don't know, confused and empty. It's big budget, though, so they put a lot of work into it, but i am certainly not in the target audience. It might actually be any worse with multiple viewings, so they might be shooting for video. Some cute touches, there's the bunch from clockwork orange. And in the credits, there's a guy listed as ahnold's drama coach. It didn't make me wish i hadn't wasted the 2 hours, but it was strangely irritating I did figure out that one of the reasons i don't like kids is that they always want to play games, but i really don't like playing games. when you have nothing to say. you won't find a reason to stop talking we have specific chemicals that mediate our fear of new things. opiates affect these receptors the different parts of a thought don't all go to the same place in the brain. There are different types of neurons supposedly, but i don't know what that's supposed to mean. Are different chemical signals used in segmenting functions in the brain? been doing some more java stuff, finally. Worked some more on the javademo, which will end up as a sample of different window functions based on the project fom my c++ windows class. I read some more of the tutorial about the new version, java 1.1. They said the windowing in it is an interim step between the first main stuff. (1.0.2) and they're finally plan to make all windows funtions java beans, which are a certain type of portable object format with persistent state (you can save configurations). So they have declared that all this stuff is going to change yet again soon. Argh. I did also read some strategies for writing stuff that works for the older stuff and the new stuff (which even i can't run yet. needs netscape communicator 4.0.5), so maybe i can start working with it. In the paper it talked about how microsoft is again trying to split the standard by creating a system that uses native windows instructions. On the other side, however, sun is supporting a bunch of other platforms, including embedded systems, and there's even an ultratiny version to run on smart cards (yes the credit card sized computers). The engineering journals have been going nuts over java for a while. I looked back on my out-of-date file of the things i'm working on, and i'm starting to go back to stuff. I started some woodworking. and some more programming, i think i will be able to work on my message passing distributed program, and when i have something i will get the program running on other computers that can run the java on my page. The nanocomputer program should do something like that too. There has been a little more stuff on haptics, or force feedback sensors, which are like joysticks or gloves in which you can feel force from the objects, in a VR simulation or something. One model was like a couple of thimbles on wires on a guy's fingers. It has application in medicine, and it seems like there is a lot of expensive electronics to be developed in medicine. Buffered surgery, perhaps. I saw a little more about reversible computing that is supposed to reduce the power requirements of computing such that we could actually have three dimension circuits. Power speed and space are the three main factors deciding chip capability. I don't know if this approach will add very much to the power problem. The idea is that the energy holding a gate at 1 or 0 is dissipated away to ground when the gate changes, but it could just flow into another spot and stay balanced. The article goes on to saying how 3-d chips will be so powerful and there will be smart machines which will compete evolutionarily. Not programmed by him, i should think. It's ok to go really crazy once in a while. people have plenty of time, and what's a life for, anyway? People just don't do what i want. i'm just not into that dominance thing. It's such a subhuman thing I say i talk about myself alot, but it's not simply that i am uninterested in hearing what other people have to say. I am just demonstrating the kind of expression that i would want them to be able to demostrate about themselves. I understand that it is hard to even know yourself well enough to be able to talk about yourself endless. But i want them to make that effort. And if maybe i have to be a little irritating to get them off their butts and try to understand themselves, i can live with that. There's also the thing that if you talk about something they aren't quite that interested in for a little too long, they will try to change the subject to something they are interested in. I have been practicing my skills in stimulating conversation, and i'm getting pretty good. Confidence, persistence, and ability are the main attributes for achievement. I should probably try to hunt down Jennifer Marcus and apologize. I wonder how she turned out. Like master wayne said "i say spew. if you hurl and she bolts. it wasn't meant to be" where's my rock?
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