a ba'b'ian journal

old stuff
i sing of Olaf glad and big
whose warmest heart recoiled at war:
a conscientious object-or

his wellbeloved colonel(trig
westpointer most succinctly bred)
took erring Olaf soon in hand;
but--though an host of overjoyed
noncoms(first knocking on the head
him)do through icy waters roll
that helplessness which others stroke
with brushes recently employed
anent this muddy toilet bowl,
while kindred intellects evoke
allegiance per blunt instruments--
Olaf(being to all intents
a corpse and wanting any rag
upon what God unto him gave)
responds, without getting annoyed
"i will not kiss your f.ing flag"
straightway the silver bird looked grave
(departing hurriedly to shave)

    • October 31, 1999
    happy halloween.

    i just saw what i think was the most beautiful woman i have ever seen. ok it was somewhat dark, and there was alcohol, so i'm not entirely sure, but she was pretty amazing. she wasn't one of those freakish barbie types, like jeri ryan (7 of 9) and rachel. but she was freakishly tall, like 6'4 or '5. i saw her at the fetish ball. she was wearing some kind of leather dress or something. long black hair loosely about her shoulders. twenty something. i guess not funny looking like a model, but symmetric. i guess i need to develope my descriptive ability a little more. it seemed almost as if she was what you would get if you through all the good looking women together, and balanced them out. and made her really tall. idealized. this fetish ball had some kind of couples room upstairs that i didn't go into, and they were doing some kind of sex stuff. she went up there a few times. there was one bit where i was just being silly. she was walking across the dance floor, and i backed up in her way so she had to brush up against me (well, my leather jacket). i was thinking terminator 2, sampling by physical contact.

    so i'm rereading the book with the dalai lama, _the art of happiness_ writing in the margins this time (like aimee suggested). i have definitely slacked off my training on being happy and let my compassion slide and all. getting emotionally attached to aimee was a mistake. or at least the way i did.

    not many trick or treaters. tried to give big handfuls of candy but still a lot left.

    spent a lot of time today trying to convince people of the solution to the three door monty hall problem. there are three doors, behind one is a car and behind the other are goats. you get to pick one, monty hall shows you another one with a goat, should you switch to the other door? yes. you have a one in three chance of guessing wrong, so switching get's you a two in three chance of winning.

    so i was at the fetish ball. the advice the dalai lama gives is to realize that we all want to be happy and not suffer, so i tried to make people's days a little happier, such as my limited practice allows. i talked to some girl sitting working there and got her to smile a couple times. there were a gorgeous redhead and blonde, and i did something silly or other, and got them to laugh. they looked really nice when they were laughing. oh man, i did go up and stand in the doorway to the couples room, and i leaned back on the wall outside, onto the light switches and turned all the lights out. i was acting pretty toasted (i seem to not really get very drunk these days, some kind of tolerance built up), so dude sitting at the door wasn't so mad. but it was pretty funny. the most trippish stuff though was the dancing. one guy said to me 'i don't care what anyone else says, you're a good dancer'-- gotta love those backhanded compliments. but i know i scared a few people. i did a few rolls on the floor. (gotta love that aikido training). and the last time i did something i'm proud of, almost to the point of wanting to claim it as performance art. I acted like i was drunk, staggered back a little, collapsed into a back roll, and then recovered, stood right back up and walked off, showing that things are not always what they seem. well, i thought it was fun, anyway. i still need work, though. i put a dollar in the jukebox for someone. i played with some blonde who was playing at spanking me. (it was a fetish party, after all). it was all just silly fun. drake and zeke from rock 103 were there. and there was one girl who had hands painted onto her breasts. and it was almost a cliche, but there were these two girls sitting by the bar waiting to be picked up, and a couple of black guys came over and talked them up, and they went upstairs for whatever. one of them had these fuzzy handcuffs. it seemed like almost everyone else was with someone, though.

    • October 27, 1999
    nothing with the servlets. at least httpd runs, there was some syntax problem in the config files that made it not load before. it loads, but i can't get the module to do anything.

    seeming a little bit grim now.

    some guy jared call and wants me to tutor him in java. that's just what i need.

    an intriguing interchange with aimee. she told me of four people people she's dating, matt, gary, trey and david j. i dated her a few times a month ago, but i guess that's over (i should have guessed that when she wouldn't answer my phone calls). she said she likes me though, but that only makes me suspicious now. what exactly would that mean in this context. she says she isn't interested in a romantic relationship at this time, and something about she could handle it if some men didn't feel like waiting for her. it's already starting to fade from my mind. i feel oddly bad about it. i guess i need to let it slide. i'm just not in her life. what does this have to do with anything? what does what have to do with anything?

    that aimee thing is just a part of a whole bigger thing though. i was going around, getting involved with people, going to meetings and all. but it's really just not working for me and i think i'm just going to forget about it. just go back to being me. it just wasn't that fun. i'm just not a people person.

    and i lost one of the tennis balls (well it's probably here somewhere) and i can't practice juggling. that's gotta be a sign.

    • October 25, 1999
    a very ineffective protest. at yosemite, at el capitan, the park people made a rule against parachuting off the mountain. so four people jumped off in protest. one of them bounced. like a sixty year old woman or something. and of course, they caught it on videotape. i saw it on nbc nightly news with tom brokaw, brian williams sitting in for tom. but for some reason they cut the tape after she got most of the way down. i guess they want to save the footage for one of those "when stunts go wrong" kind of shows.

    i may have the java servlet module compile finally. it seemed to be creating an empty library file, and it didn't create object files for all the source files it has. and the includes asked for include files from apache. i had to download the source from apache, and it seems to sompile something now. i need to install the .so and restart the httpd. we'll see

    • October 23, 1999
    went to the dance party thing at the ballroom dance school. didn't dance. saw lot's of interesting steps though. the merenge looks easy. the basic salsa doesn't look too bad. i simply couldn't follow the cha-cha, it'd need to be explained to me. and really cute really good dancer asked me to dance at the end, but nah, why break a good streak.

    and then i saw fight club for a third time. we are the all-seeing all-dancing crap of the world. it seemed to emphasize hitting bottom. and "slide", letting all the really unimportant things slide.

    i'm getting cold

    housewarming party at laura's. we were finishing off a magnum of sake. i was happy that we finished the one off. then dick opened the next one. and so we failed. i drank a whole lot. no joy. went to d&d. danced a little. i wanted to breathe smoke.

    didn't i once say something about reaching out a hand and it being cut off?

    not talking to me was her way of saying she didn't want to talk to me. it sounds simple, but since i didn't want to believe it, i could interpret in other ways, like she was just busy, or i was missing her somehow, or or something else. they do not realize how unclear a message silence is.

    • October 22, 1999
    rotting meat. inside my car there was this smell of rotting meat. i back up to saturday, when i made some wiener schnitzel to take to the beer club party down by the river. at temperance, the day before, bob said he didn't eat pig, and i was going to make all the schnitzel out of pork chops. so on saturday i went and picked up some veal. i cooked the veal first, so it wouldn't touch the pork and be at least a little more kosher. but of course, being inexperienced, i had the heat too high and burned all the veal. and actually i forgot to salt and pepper it too and the first batch of pork. and the pork ended up pretty greasy, and overall it was a pretty poor showing, but pretty good for a first attempt (actually, my mom supervised an attempt the day before, but she actually did so much that i didn't get fair practice. just tell me, don't do it for me). So i fixed it all and brought it down there. there was actually a contest for the food, and the winners were all meat dishes, even though the plum cake should have won. well, i wasn't in the top three, let's say. also, to be fair, my stuff was all cold since i didn't make provision for keeping it hot, and i picked it anyway because it tastes ok cold. well i like it. and there were only two left at the end, though of course, when people took it, they didn't know how bad it was going to be. i did notice that paul didn't finish what he took (but he had samples of everything). and there was this one girl vanessa that said it was ok, but she was a computer student that i had been talking to, and she was probably just flirting. Anyway, when i left, i grabbed one of the two remaining schnitzels, and the jar of pickled beets, and took off. the meat actually took a little edge off the beer, which was good. well, a few days later, the car smelled bad, somehow, i though maybe it was exhaust, or maybe some of the grease from that schnitzel i had laid on the seat was the problem. i just opened the window to air it out. i kept thinking it was just nothing or was just remnants from before and was going away, not trusting my senses that it was just as bad. finally, yesterday, i actually looked in the back seat, and i found that one package of veal (for some reason i hadn't kept track of how many i got) had slipped out under the seat. ew ick. no worms or anything, packed in plastic. just a little brown and some white spots. rotting meat.

    i've seen fight club twice now. brad pitt. it's one of those inspiring movies. a person extending his limits, becoming all he can be. anarchy, mayhem. dropping the pretentious little veneer of civilization. the violence isn't actually so bad. old fashioned bare-knuckles boxing. one guy gets killed and everyone mourns his loss. "His name is Robert Paulsen" and a cult. everyone loves a good cult. it was not believable, it went over into being surreal, i suppose. dreamlike, a guy with insomnia. i guess a metaphor for how everyone goes through life half asleep and this one guy struggling to wake up. but more than any of this, the movie is funny. much of the stuff is just silly and you have to laugh at it. the sickest bit is that they steal fat from a liposuction clinic and make soap from it, which they sell back to department stores so the rich ladies can buy back "their own fatty acids". A limo has a "recycle your animals" bumper sticker. a doctor advises our hero, if he wants to see real pain to go to the testicular cancer support group, that's real pain. meat loaf's character has large woman's breasts from hormone therapy. it may not be a laugh riot, but it has really funny bits amidst some interesting psychological searching.

    i also saw the omega code a made for christians cliche. some guy abandons his family but gives up to god and is redeemed. some evil person tries to take over the world and is smitten. it adds some hokey stuff about how the bible is a secret computer program, based on that bible code crossword stuff. lots of recognizable bit players. the bad guy at some point says he is god. pulease.

    read colin mcginn's mysterious flame he says that consciouness has bits we can't understand. he doesn't seem to prove it to me, just sort of assuming it and using some kind of circular logic. i brought it up at the A-Tan AI meeting, and lloyd, the bioengineering thought it was reasonable that there are things about consciousness we can't understand. we can't know how bats feel, how other species feel, electric fish. he defended dualism too, sort of by charitably redefining it. being a little too easy i think. it's a shame that stan wasn't there. i wanted to talk about his definition of consciousness as requiring corroboration.

    i have some ability to update the mensa page now. i need the push to go and do it.

    doug pointed out a site dialup.com it lets you get free phone calls in the us using your computer and a microphone. it doesn't seem to work using my ip masquerading setup, and it says no proxies. i need to find out what port it uses and maybe i can enable the port. also, my microphone input is weak. it uses java in part of the interface.

    • October 15, 1999
    one of the problems of the world is how to redistribute the wealth. it's kind of nice that some of that can be done by some people just having naked pictures taken of them.

    ok here's how it is. there was no year zero. the first year ended at the end of year one. the second year ended at the end of year two. the first decade ended at the end of year 10. the second decade ended at the end of year 20. the first century ended at the end of year 100. the second century ended at the end of year 200. the third century ended at the end of year 300. the 20th century will end at the end of the year 2000. the first millenium ended at the end of the year 1000. and the end of the freaking second millenium will end at the end of the freaking year 2000, not after the year 1999. of course, the changing of the numbers will mess up some computers, so 2000 may be a distaster, anyway. but if you're going to be a brain-dead bible literalist, be correct about yer millenium dates. it's a shame that that series millenium isn't going to make it all the way.

    what is a man but that sense of enterprise

    i have some access to the mensa webpage, and i need to start aworking at it.

    • October 13, 1999
    a want is not a reason. it may be a cause for action, but it's just a desire. to show that they are differe you need only notice that you might have a reason to want something, or you might just want something for no reason.

    problems are not bad, they are just opportunities. (previosly, i would have said there are no problems, only opportunities, but it's not good just to lose a word. better just to have a better attitude about it.) that is, they shouldn't make you mad or anything--you can actually feel good about having a new chance to do stuff, learn things, maybe help people, impress people, feel better about yourself, maybe make some money. like working out. exercise (which is another word for problem). i don't where i developed a bad attitude about exercising. it's painful if you haven't been doing it, so i guess that makes it hard to start.

    • October 10, 1999
    the hardest thing for me is not knowing.

    the personal defense with guns class was a little funny. they fulfill the legal requirement for getting a carry permit, but they say that it isn't enough and you have to pay more for some other class too to be really ready. they could have done the job the first time. trying to make money. telling you afterwards that you need more. a gyp. maybe it's true. and you can only use expensive guns. you can carry whatever you own. enough guns.

    time to work on the dancing

    every act is an act. it communicates, often on several levels.

    so, one of the instructors said everyone has trouble shooting somebody else, or else you're a psychopath. i thought about it, and i didn't feel like i would have any trouble. so maybe i am a psychopath. but i like to think that maybe it's just desensitization from having played enough violent video games

    • October 9, 1999
    days like this, i wish i had some friends

    took the first half (4 hours) of the basic handgun course. i found out that my single action 1911 requires a whole lot more training to carry safely, it's a specialist weapon, you need 5 classes, weekly practice. you have to carry it cocked and locked. and i shot pretty poorly. i know that i missed the target a few times. but they scored it at 100, because all my hits were in the silouette. i just hate when they are sloppy like that in something important. i think i might go in for the extra training, but it would be a lot cheaper just to get a simpler gun. i was thinking 357, but i don't know. and he kept yelling at me to keep my thumb on the safety. i kept forgetting. the action seemed a lot more complicated. i had trouble keeping up. man, they are right about how you're better off starting with nothing instead of having bad habits to unlearn.

    i had a private dance lesson with tracy. marsha said she was bubbly (and that's something from what i saw of marsh), but i clearly had blown her mood when i showed up 5 minutes late. boxstep, (rhumba waltz), push pull. i get a group lesson too, but they are way ahead. they know push pull with turns, foxtrot, tango, rhumba and waltz with turns. I signed up for another hour on monday for damage control, but it looks like i'm doomed.

    and i come home. roadrunner is down. i log on through my backup, mci. ping midsouth.rr.com. dead. i guess it came back up. still.

    i did go to the bookstore to get some dance books. doug was there, and tom. doug hit me up to borrow the ms server 2000 beta disks and to help install that and linux sql or something. seemed a little sad about the 240D which he got rid of.

    temperance was interesting, there was a new guy matt who was special forces but is now a dead end quality engineer. i told suzanne she was paul's property. david moncrief recommended colin mcginn's _mysterious flame_, about consciousness. davedavedave started smoking again after quitting for 6 days.

    cleaned the gun. i feel a little better.

    i remembered one odd thing. dave asked me if i saw matt's e-mail about getting access to the mensa web page from ron. i never saw it, though i'm hoping to work on the thing.

    oh man, little wing clicked onto the radio. matt from the army was saying how it's good to know how to play. you can entertain yourself. save yourself from the boredom.

    • October 5, 1999
    you should feel compassiong for yourself too.

    man, a few words from matt and aimee is reevaluating me.

    another monday night football party. it went pretty poorly. i messed up the burgers and only matt, dial, and i had one. i pretty much didn't say anything to anyone. i'm still working on that whole host thing, but i'm thiking i'm just not that into it. i gave it a shot. aimee gave matt a juggling lesson. that's something, i guess. it was dave, brad, matt, dial, aimee, and i. the most ironic thing was that i set up a smoking room and expecting dave to hang out in there, i put my electric keyboard, but just three days before, dave had decided to quit. and, anyway, there weren't any people offended by smoking there.

    one thing i found out, brad knows a bunch of languages, studied them in college. 3 years of greek. read a lot of new testament. german, russian. impressive