i just saw what i think was the most beautiful woman i have
ever seen. ok it was somewhat dark, and there was alcohol,
so i'm not entirely sure, but she was pretty amazing. she wasn't
one of those freakish barbie types, like jeri ryan (7 of 9) and
rachel. but she was freakishly tall, like 6'4 or '5. i saw her
at the fetish ball. she was wearing some kind of leather dress or
something. long black hair loosely about her shoulders. twenty
something. i guess not funny looking like a model, but symmetric.
i guess i need to develope my descriptive ability a little more.
it seemed almost as if she was what you would get if you through
all the good looking women together, and balanced them out. and
made her really tall. idealized. this fetish ball had some kind of couples
room upstairs that i didn't go into, and they were doing some
kind of sex stuff. she went up there a few times. there
was one bit where i was just being silly. she was walking
across the dance floor, and i backed up in her way so she
had to brush up against me (well, my leather jacket).
i was thinking terminator 2, sampling by physical contact.
so i'm rereading the book with the dalai lama, _the art of happiness_
writing in the margins this time (like aimee suggested). i have
definitely slacked off my training on being happy and let my compassion
slide and all. getting emotionally attached to aimee was a mistake.
or at least the way i did.
not many trick or treaters. tried to give big handfuls of candy
but still a lot left.
spent a lot of time today trying to convince people of the solution
to the three door monty hall problem. there are three doors,
behind one is a car and behind the other are goats. you get to
pick one, monty hall shows you another one with a goat, should
you switch to the other door? yes. you have a one in three
chance of guessing wrong, so switching get's you a two in three
chance of winning.
so i was at the fetish ball. the advice the dalai lama gives is
to realize that we all want to be happy and not suffer, so
i tried to make people's days a little happier, such as my
limited practice allows. i talked to some girl sitting working there
and got her to smile a couple times. there were a gorgeous redhead
and blonde, and i did something silly or other, and got them to laugh.
they looked really nice when they were laughing. oh man, i did
go up and stand in the doorway to the couples room, and i leaned
back on the wall outside, onto the light switches and turned all
the lights out. i was acting pretty toasted (i seem to not really
get very drunk these days, some kind of tolerance built up), so
dude sitting at the door wasn't so mad. but it was pretty funny.
the most trippish stuff though was the dancing. one guy said to
me 'i don't care what anyone else says, you're a good dancer'--
gotta love those backhanded compliments. but i know i scared
a few people. i did a few rolls on the floor. (gotta love that
aikido training). and the last time i did something i'm proud of,
almost to the point of wanting to claim it as performance art.
I acted like i was drunk, staggered back a little, collapsed
into a back roll, and then recovered, stood right back up and
walked off, showing that things are not always what they seem.
well, i thought it was fun, anyway. i still need work, though.
i put a dollar in the jukebox for someone. i played with some blonde
who was playing at spanking me. (it was a fetish party, after all).
it was all just silly fun. drake and zeke from rock 103 were there.
and there was one girl who had hands painted onto her breasts.
and it was almost a cliche, but there were these two girls
sitting by the bar waiting to be picked up, and a couple
of black guys came over and talked them up, and they went upstairs
for whatever. one of them had these fuzzy handcuffs. it seemed
like almost everyone else was with someone, though.
nothing with the servlets. at least httpd runs, there was
some syntax problem in the config files that made it not
load before. it loads, but i can't get the module to
seeming a little bit grim now.
some guy jared call and wants me to tutor him in java. that's
just what i need.
an intriguing interchange with aimee. she told me of four people
people she's dating, matt, gary, trey and david j. i dated her a few
times a month ago, but i guess that's over (i should have guessed
that when she wouldn't answer my phone calls). she said she likes
me though, but that only makes me suspicious now. what exactly would
that mean in this context. she says she isn't interested in a
romantic relationship at this time, and something about she could
handle it if some men didn't feel like waiting for her. it's
already starting to fade from my mind. i feel oddly bad about it.
i guess i need to let it slide. i'm just not in her life.
what does this have to do with anything? what does what have to
do with anything?
that aimee thing is just a part of a whole bigger thing though.
i was going around, getting involved with people, going to meetings
and all. but it's really just not working for me and i think i'm
just going to forget about it. just go back to being me. it
just wasn't that fun. i'm just not a people person.
and i lost one of the tennis balls (well it's probably here somewhere)
and i can't practice juggling. that's gotta be a sign.
a very ineffective protest. at yosemite, at el capitan, the
park people made a rule against parachuting off the mountain.
so four people jumped off in protest. one of them bounced.
like a sixty year old woman or something. and of course,
they caught it on videotape. i saw it on nbc nightly news with
tom brokaw, brian williams sitting in for tom. but for some reason
they cut the tape after she got most of the way down. i guess
they want to save the footage for one of those "when stunts go wrong"
kind of shows.
i may have the java servlet module compile finally. it seemed to
be creating an empty library file, and it didn't create object
files for all the source files it has. and the includes asked
for include files from apache. i had to download the source from apache,
and it seems to sompile something now. i need to install the .so
and restart the httpd. we'll see
went to the dance party thing at the ballroom dance school.
didn't dance. saw lot's of interesting steps though. the
merenge looks easy. the basic salsa doesn't look too bad.
i simply couldn't follow the cha-cha, it'd need to be explained
to me. and really cute really good dancer asked me to dance
at the end, but nah, why break a good streak.
and then i saw fight club for a third time. we are the all-seeing
all-dancing crap of the world. it seemed to emphasize hitting bottom.
and "slide", letting all the really unimportant things slide.
i'm getting cold
housewarming party at laura's. we were finishing off a magnum of sake.
i was happy that we finished the one off. then dick opened the
next one. and so we failed.
i drank a whole lot. no joy. went to d&d. danced a little.
i wanted to breathe smoke.
didn't i once say something about reaching out a hand and it
being cut off?
not talking to me was her way of saying she didn't want to talk to me.
it sounds simple, but since i didn't want to believe it, i could interpret
in other ways, like she was just busy, or i was missing her somehow,
or or something else. they do not realize how unclear a message
rotting meat. inside my car there was this smell of rotting
meat. i back up to saturday, when i made some wiener schnitzel
to take to the beer club party down by the river. at temperance,
the day before, bob said he didn't eat pig, and i was going to
make all the schnitzel out of pork chops. so on saturday i went
and picked up some veal. i cooked the veal first, so it wouldn't
touch the pork and be at least a little more kosher. but of course,
being inexperienced, i had the heat too high and burned all the
veal. and actually i forgot to salt and pepper it too and the first
batch of pork. and the pork ended up pretty greasy, and overall
it was a pretty poor showing, but pretty good for a first attempt
(actually, my mom supervised an attempt the day before, but she
actually did so much that i didn't get fair practice. just
tell me, don't do it for me). So i fixed it all and brought it down
there. there was actually a contest for the food, and the winners
were all meat dishes, even though the plum cake should have won.
well, i wasn't in the top three, let's say. also, to be fair,
my stuff was all cold since i didn't make provision for keeping it
hot, and i picked it anyway because it tastes ok cold. well i like
it. and there were only two left at the end, though of course,
when people took it, they didn't know how bad it was going to be.
i did notice that paul didn't finish what he took (but he had
samples of everything). and there was this one girl vanessa that
said it was ok, but she was a computer student that i had been talking
to, and she was probably just flirting. Anyway, when i left,
i grabbed one of the two remaining schnitzels, and the jar of
pickled beets, and took off. the meat actually took a little edge
off the beer, which was good. well, a few days later, the car
smelled bad, somehow, i though maybe it was exhaust, or maybe
some of the grease from that schnitzel i had laid on the seat
was the problem. i just opened the window to air it out. i kept
thinking it was just nothing or was just remnants from before
and was going away,
not trusting my senses that it was just as bad. finally, yesterday,
i actually looked in the back seat, and i found that one package
of veal (for some reason i hadn't kept track of how many i got)
had slipped out under the seat. ew ick. no worms or anything,
packed in plastic. just a little brown and some white spots.
i've seen fight club twice now. brad pitt. it's one of
those inspiring movies. a person extending his limits, becoming
all he can be. anarchy, mayhem. dropping the pretentious little
veneer of civilization. the violence isn't actually so bad.
old fashioned bare-knuckles boxing. one guy gets killed and
everyone mourns his loss. "His name is Robert Paulsen"
and a cult. everyone loves a good cult. it was not believable,
it went over into being surreal, i suppose. dreamlike, a guy
with insomnia. i guess a metaphor for how everyone goes through
life half asleep and this one guy struggling to wake up.
but more than any of this, the movie is funny. much of the stuff
is just silly and you have to laugh at it. the sickest bit is
that they steal fat from a liposuction clinic and make soap from it,
which they sell back to department stores so the rich ladies
can buy back "their own fatty acids". A limo has a "recycle your
animals" bumper sticker. a doctor advises our hero, if he wants
to see real pain to go to the
testicular cancer support group, that's real pain.
meat loaf's character has large woman's breasts
from hormone therapy. it may not be a laugh riot, but it has
really funny bits amidst some interesting psychological searching.
i also saw the omega code a made for christians cliche.
some guy abandons his family but gives up to god and is redeemed.
some evil person tries to take over the world and is smitten.
it adds some hokey stuff about how the bible is a secret computer
program, based on that bible code crossword stuff. lots of
recognizable bit players. the bad guy at some point says he is
read colin mcginn's mysterious flame he says that
consciouness has bits we can't understand. he doesn't seem
to prove it to me, just sort of assuming it and using some
kind of circular logic. i brought it up at the A-Tan AI meeting,
and lloyd, the bioengineering thought it was reasonable that
there are things about consciousness we can't understand.
we can't know how bats feel, how other species feel, electric fish.
he defended dualism too, sort of by charitably redefining it.
being a little too easy i think. it's a shame that stan wasn't
there. i wanted to talk about his definition of consciousness
as requiring corroboration.
i have some ability to update the mensa page now. i need the
push to go and do it.
doug pointed out a site dialup.com
it lets you get free phone calls in the us using your computer
and a microphone. it doesn't seem to work using my ip masquerading
setup, and it says no proxies. i need to find out what port it
uses and maybe i can enable the port. also, my microphone input
is weak. it uses java in part of the interface.
one of the problems of the world is how to redistribute the
wealth. it's kind of nice that some of that can be done
by some people just having naked pictures taken of them.
ok here's how it is. there was no year zero. the first year
ended at the end of year one. the second year ended at the end
of year two. the first decade ended at the end of year 10.
the second decade ended at the end of year 20. the first century
ended at the end of year 100. the second century ended at the
end of year 200. the third century ended at the end of year 300.
the 20th century will end at the end of the year 2000. the
first millenium ended at the end of the year 1000. and the end
of the freaking second millenium will end at the end of the
freaking year 2000, not after the year 1999. of course, the
changing of the numbers will mess up some computers, so 2000 may
be a distaster, anyway. but if you're going to be a brain-dead
bible literalist, be correct about yer millenium dates. it's
a shame that that series millenium isn't going to make it all
what is a man but that sense of enterprise
i have some access to the mensa webpage, and i need to start
aworking at it.
a want is not a reason. it may be a cause for action,
but it's just a desire. to show that they are differe
you need only notice that you might have a reason to
want something, or you might just want something for
problems are not bad, they are just opportunities.
(previosly, i would have said there are no problems,
only opportunities, but it's not good just to lose a
word. better just to have a better attitude about it.)
that is, they shouldn't make you mad or anything--you
can actually feel good about having a new chance to do
stuff, learn things, maybe help people, impress people,
feel better about yourself, maybe make some money.
like working out. exercise (which is another word for
problem). i don't where i developed a bad attitude about
exercising. it's painful if you haven't been doing it,
so i guess that makes it hard to start.
the hardest thing for me is not knowing.
the personal defense with guns class was a little funny.
they fulfill the legal requirement for getting a carry
permit, but they say that it isn't enough and you have
to pay more for some other class too to be really ready.
they could have done the job the first time. trying to
make money. telling you afterwards that you need more.
a gyp. maybe it's true. and you can only use expensive
guns. you can carry whatever you own. enough guns.
time to work on the dancing
every act is an act. it communicates, often on several levels.
so, one of the instructors said everyone has trouble
shooting somebody else, or else you're a psychopath.
i thought about it, and i didn't feel like i would
have any trouble. so maybe i am a psychopath. but i
like to think that maybe it's just desensitization from
having played enough violent video games
days like this, i wish i had some friends
took the first half (4 hours) of the basic handgun course.
i found out that my single action 1911 requires a whole lot
more training to carry safely, it's a specialist weapon,
you need 5 classes, weekly practice. you have to carry it
cocked and locked. and i shot pretty poorly. i know that
i missed the target a few times. but they scored it at 100,
because all my hits were in the silouette. i just hate when
they are sloppy like that in something important. i think i
might go in for the extra training, but it would be a lot
cheaper just to get a simpler gun. i was thinking 357, but
i don't know. and he kept yelling at me to keep my thumb
on the safety. i kept forgetting. the action seemed a
lot more complicated. i had trouble keeping up.
man, they are right about how you're better off starting with
nothing instead of having bad habits to unlearn.
i had a private dance lesson with tracy. marsha said she was
bubbly (and that's something from what i saw of marsh),
but i clearly had blown her mood when i showed up 5 minutes
late. boxstep, (rhumba waltz), push pull. i get a group lesson
too, but they are way ahead. they know push pull with turns,
foxtrot, tango, rhumba and waltz with turns. I signed up for
another hour on monday for damage control, but it looks like i'm
and i come home. roadrunner is down. i log on through my backup,
mci. ping midsouth.rr.com. dead. i guess it came back up.
i did go to the bookstore to get some dance books. doug was there,
and tom. doug hit me up to borrow the ms server 2000 beta disks
and to help install that and linux sql or something.
seemed a little sad about the 240D which he got rid of.
temperance was interesting, there was a new guy matt who was
special forces but is now a dead end quality engineer.
i told suzanne she was paul's property. david moncrief recommended
colin mcginn's _mysterious flame_, about consciousness. davedavedave
started smoking again after quitting for 6 days.
cleaned the gun. i feel a little better.
i remembered one odd thing. dave asked me if i saw matt's e-mail
about getting access to the mensa web page from ron. i never
saw it, though i'm hoping to work on the thing.
oh man, little wing clicked onto the radio. matt from the army
was saying how it's good to know how to play. you can entertain
yourself. save yourself from the boredom.
you should feel compassiong for yourself too.
man, a few words from matt and aimee is reevaluating me.
another monday night football party. it went pretty poorly.
i messed up the burgers and only matt, dial, and i had one.
i pretty much didn't say anything to anyone. i'm still working
on that whole host thing, but i'm thiking i'm just not that
into it. i gave it a shot. aimee gave matt a juggling lesson.
that's something, i guess. it was dave, brad, matt, dial, aimee,
and i. the most ironic thing was that i set up a smoking room
and expecting dave to hang out in there, i put my electric keyboard,
but just three days before, dave had decided to quit. and, anyway,
there weren't any people offended by smoking there.
one thing i found out, brad knows a bunch of languages, studied
them in college. 3 years of greek. read a lot of new testament.
german, russian. impressive